i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
