he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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