Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
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Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
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If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?