No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.