i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
