its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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