Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
