Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
