Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Fuck appropriateness.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
