I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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