I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
