ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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