my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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