My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
So here I am, sexting at work.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
