I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
