I think I won the penis lottery.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
