oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
