is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
