Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
