It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
