I want to have your abortion
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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