When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
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I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
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One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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