So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
