Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
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