I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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