She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
