You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Randomize
