butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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