Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
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