we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Randomize
