you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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