Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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