How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
