you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
