my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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