He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Drunk is not a location!
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
