I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
