I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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