remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
