the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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