she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
