Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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