yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
