Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
