I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
