Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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