I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Who died my cat blue again?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
