I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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