I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
