highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
