when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
