mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Swine flu is the new snow day.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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