I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
