Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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