i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
My ass is underappreciated