I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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