someone threw a dead crab at me
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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