Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
