It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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