i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
