I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
