I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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