He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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