The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
