You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Randomize
