omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
