An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
