You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Randomize
